Rituals of the Shrine of the Sacred Chao
Discordian Circle
All traditions have their own methods of casting circles, and the Discordians are no different. Well, we're VERY different, but that is another story. Anyway, in Circle, I shall be referred to as Little Rabbit Foo Foo, Priest of the Triple God of Elvis, Jean Luc Picard, and L. Ron Hubbard. The three that are one. Make It So.
Now, I know I said it was a circle, but it isn't really a circle. It's more a three dimensional 24 sided big blue neon vortex with fringe on top. But I am not supposed to tell you that since you haven't been initiated into the Top Secret Security Clearance Circle of Elvis Luc Hubbard, I would have to nail my head to a chase lounge.
First, I turn in the direction of Graceland. I light a crack pipe and invoke "oh Elvis...come and get it you fat bastard." When I hear the strains of "Hound Dog" I know that he is with me. Next, I turn in the direction of Star Fleet Academy, fire a phaser and invoke "Oh holy bald one, my lord mighty Picard. Bring thy holy tight buns into my presence. Make it so." When I hear William Shatner cry "But *I* am the Captain of the Enterprise," I know he is with me. Lastly, I turn towards the nearest Borders book shop and invoke, "Oh L Ron who started a religion on a bet with Frederick Pohl. Please show me your divine dianetics." When I hear "That will be 19.95 if you call before midnight tomorrow." I know he is with me.
Then I begin my ritual. "Now that you're all here, I ask that you smite my enemies for they be smelly and not very nice, and I am so much better. Grant me the Smite Key of Doom thus that I can delete without care." When I hear a great snickering, I know they have heard me.
Then I may close the circle. I raise my arms to the skies and say,"I'm done with you. Get out, you bastards." They seem to like that.
Banishment of Ghosts
Make the room all nice and dark and so full of incense that you can hardly breathe. These things are very important in making the ghost decide to leave. Play Abba music loudly in the background.
Naughty ghostie in my room
Causing me such doom and gloom
I have had enough of you
Therefore you must go, please do.
Take your stuff and be thou gone
Else I'll have to ramble on
Causing you such fear and dread
You'll be glad that you are dead
Funeral Oration (The Short Form)
So long, Farewell, Aufweiterzein, Good-Bye
You're Dead, you're gone, so now we're going to cry.
Too bad, so sad. Amen
Lammas
No, this is not the celebration for Llamas, although the wool is really great. Instead, we celebrate the harvest festival. Autumn is coming, except in Virginia where we will harvest mosquitoes for the next few months, but that's what we get for living in a swamp. Anyway, time to celebrate anyway, cuz you know we Wiccans just love to celebrate. So let's get to it.
Cast a Circle
Place a freshly baked loaf of bread on the altar
The Wheel of the Year is turned
Now we come to First Havest - Lammas
Strike up Bad Music
So eat some bread, and throw some on the ground
Run in circles, dance around
Juggle apples, grapes and pears
Leave some honey for the teddy bears
Thank the God and Goddess too
For your can of Cheezy Spoo
Have the Spirits go or stay
They'll come back another day
Tell them Hail and then Goodbye
Now pass the wine and gimme some pie
Open the Circle
Summon Pizza Ritual
Hail To Those at Pizza Hut
Bring the Stuff to Fill My Gut
Eating it Expands My Butt
Hurry, Hurry Pizza Hut
Ritual For Puppy Potty Training
Small Puppy full of Pooh
We know what you want to do
On the floor and make it pew
Bad Puppy full of Pooh
If puppy does this thing
His butt will surely have to sting
With the holy rolled up thing
Then out the door in a giant fling
Ritual For Gastric Bypass
sung to "losing my religion"
I...am bigger
bigger than you but I will not be
the lengths that I have gone to
with those insurance dweebs
oh no they've pissed me off
but I have won
that's me in the OR
that's me on the table
losing my intestines
making my tummy brand new
and I know that I can do it
oh no I said too much
I haven't slept enough
I thought I ate macaroni
I thought it had too much cheese
I think I ate a napoleon
but that was just a dream....
