An All Important Final Exam That Must Be Read And Understood

 

No, this is not YOUR final exam. It is MY final exam, by which I have attained the level of ToeJam Inspector 32nd Class and achieved the lofty score of "H." I offer this so that any of you who have a similar exam to take may follow my example and copy my exam, so that your true knowledge rating can be thusly ascertained.

Third Degree Comprehensive Final Examination

1. In terms of Geometric Magic, how do the properties of a tetrahedron differ from those of a pyramid?

- One is a stupid ugly thing with too many sides, and the other is where the Pharoahs are buried.

2. Describe the different kinds of Ley Lines and their properties.

- You should always go to sleep on a sleeping Lay Line. They don't usually own much property.

3. Explain the energetic sequence used to open a Crystal Access Point for the Crystal Web.

- You walk up to the access point, and say "Yo! Access Point! Prepare to be opened! EIEIO!. Then put the key in the door, open it, and then walk in.

4. Explain how it is possible for a spirit to reincarnate but also act as a Spirit Guide.

- It's just like on Scooby Doo. The evil real estate developer gets arrested every week but shows up again the next week.

5. Explain the concept of Probabilities. Contrast the concepts of Probabilities and Parallel Lives.

- A Parallel Life is the life that gymnasts have when they use the parallel bars. They can be even or uneven depending on whether you are male or female. But if you put all the bars together, they are Wiccan because there are male and female both. But it is probable that they won't all fit in the same place because they are too heavy.

6. Explain the Seven Planes and how this relates to the concept of the Higher and Lower Self.

-The 7 Planes are the Boeing series that include the 707, 727, 737, 747, 757, 767, 777. The Self is Higher in cruise and Lower on approach.

7. Describe the basic steps of ritual.

-Rituals are stepped right then left, then right then left again.

8. What is an Athame? What color is its handle?

- An Athame is the opposite from an Athayou. Its color is always neon pink.

9. What is the Witan Council? Describe the relationship between the Witan Council and the Council of Elders. What is the Witan Gallery and who normally belongs to it?

- The Witan Council is the group that gets to wear that pretentious collar thing that keeps breaking just before rituals and pisses people off. The relationship of the Witan Council and the Council of elders is a personal one, and none of your business. The Witan Gallery is where the velvet paintings of all the Witan Important People are hung.

10. What are the Seven Archetypes of Deity? How do these correspond to the Planets of Ptolemaic Astrology? How would they correspond to the Chakras?

- Seven Archetypes of Deity are Hot, Cold, Ugly, Pretty, Flat and Bumpy. These correspond to Venus, Mars, Arial Sharon, Sean Connery, Midwest and Colorado. For the Chakras, they correspond to Pepper, Popsicle, Dog Pooh, Amethyst, 2x4 and Clearasil.

11. Explain the concept of Calling Forth the Soul/Higher Self. Give three examples of how you might use this technique.

- First you have to make sure that your pre-paid cell phone is working. Then you have to find the right phone number. Google usually works well for that. Then you dial. When the Higher Self answers, tell it to follow the White Rabbit and hang up cryptically.

12. Explain the technique for personifying and healing inner wounds or traumas. Have you had occasion to use this technique for yourself or others, and if so what were the results?

- Imagine that your inner wound is George W. Bush and then set it on fire. You will feel much better. I did.

13. Explain Soul Retrieval. Describe the steps of the Soul Retrieval process. Have you had occasion to use this technique for yourself or others, and if so what were the results?

- Many people lose their souls. Most DMVs have a soul lost and found.

14. Explain how someone could “lose” a part of their soul.

- Same way they lose their socks and underwear. A very mysterious project.

15. Explain how a Soul may become caught Between the Worlds after death. How would you assist such a Soul?

- Souls can become caught between worlds if they don't properly compute the slingshot coefficient for zipping around the sun to go back in time. They usually get stuck between Mars and Jupiter. That's ok though because you can help them by changing the channel.

16. Explain the maxim “As Above So Below”.

- It means that both floors of your house should look the same or the homeowners association will be really upset with you.

17. Explain the maxim “To Rise You Must Fall”.

- You never have to pick yourself off the floor unless you've tripped over something.

18. In the Vangelo Delle Streghe the Goddess sings a song “which was like the Buzzing of Bees” which charms the God, Who then takes up the task of turning Her spinning wheel. Explain what this means in less symbolic terms.

-It means that it's really easy to get men to do your work for you if you just play the right tune.

19. What is allegory and why is it important? Give an example of an allegory which illustrates this point.

-Allegory is one of the five basic food groups. Allegory deficiency can make your extremities turn purple and fall off.

20. Describe the Wheel of the Year. Give an example of an Act of Power suitable for each of the Holidays on the Wheel.

-The Wheel of the Year is an important part of the Car of the Year. This year it is the left front. An Act of Power suitable is using a pressure tester to make sure that your offering of compressed air is sufficient.

21. Explain Conscious Incarnation. How does Conscious Incarnation differ from being Born Old?

- Conscious Incarnation occurs when you're awake and your turn into a four eyed blancmange. This is much different from being born old, in that old people don't have enough teeth.

22. Explain the energetic process by which an Oracular message is delivered to the Oracle. Are Oracular messages infallible? Explain why or why not.

- The best way to deliver an Oracular message is with appropriate tracking. The Post Office isn't very good at this. I would use Federal Express.

23. Explain the creation and uses of a Golem (Guardian). What is a Plush Golem?

- A Golem is the creature from Lord of the Rings, and you can create one with watercolors, acrylics, or oils. I'm not good at any of that, so I make stick golems with a pencil. A Plush Golem is really cute and stuffed, and sits on your bookshelf collecting dust.

24. What is Remote Viewing? Describe one or more techniques for Remote Viewing.

- Remote viewing is very desirable, and usually is noticed by others when the viewer exclaims "oh good! THERE is the remote!" There are many techniques for finding your lost remote. The best one, by far, is connecting the remote to your wrist at all times with a locking handcuff whose key you have lost.

25. What is Astral Travel? Describe one or more techniques for Astral Travel.

- Astral Travel is my favorite travel agency. I can get hold of them by phone, and they give me a checklist of how best to get through the TSA checkpoints. That would be the Terrorist Search for Astrals. Very important.

26. Explain why some people experience Astral travel in a very intense way while others do not. How is this relevant to techniques such as Personification of the Chakras and remote Viewing?

- The ones who do not experience Astral Travel in an intense way are usually the ones who use Travelocity instead.

27. Explain the office of Chancellor of the Correllian Tradition.

- The chancellor has to have an office because he has so many vestments. He also has to be very strong in order to hold all of these vestments and walk in a straight line.

28. What is a Monad? Explain the relationship of the Monad to Deity. Explain the relationship of the Monad to the Soul. What is another name for a Monad?

- A Monad is a small dark patch that you find on your body. Oftentimes, it is found on the legs or arms. You can have Monads on your soul too. Another name for a Monad is a boil.

29. Explain the Correllian Recension of the Threefold Law. How does this differ from how some other Traditions view the Threefold law?

- The Threefold Law means that three Correllians must agree with you before you can be a Full Gainer. This differs from other Traditions in that they only give you a Half Gainer unless you have six who agree with you.

30. Explain the Concept of Akasha. How might one interact with Akasha?

-Akasha is a very cold state to the north west of the rest of the states. One can interact with it if they know the right phone number.

31. Explain the Correllian view of evolution and how this relates to Correllian ideas of contemporary human development and our role in it.

-The Correllians believe that evolution is not as good as intelligent design, but the Flying Spaghetti Monster is actually best.

32. Explain the idea of Karma and its relationship to the Threefold Law. What is Karmic Disentanglement? Is it possible to avoid Karmic reaction in the first place?

- Karma is one product you can use to knit or crochet. You have to disentangle it before you can roll it into a ball to use it properly. You can avoid the reaction in the first place by buying your karma already rolled.

33. Describe the structure of the Crown Chakra. Describe some of the functions of the Crown Chakra.

-The Crown Chakra is made of cardboard and is colored gold and has little points on top. You get one when you buy a Whopper.

34. What is the worst problem you have encountered to date as a Correllian Priest/ess? How did you handle this problem?

- I have not dated any Correllian Priest/ess. This is indeed a problem. I will handle it by putting a profile on match.com.

35. How would you help a Soul which is caught between the Worlds to cross over fully?

-I would say "hey, soul! What the hell are you HERE for? It sucks over here. Why don't you get out of here already! I hear there's much better food over THERE, and beer too"

36. Give three examples of sources of kinetic energy waves. Give three examples of ways in which you might use kinetic energy waves for magic.

-Radio, television and video. I can use radio

37. What difference will attaining Third Degree status make in your personal vocation?

- None. I still vacation in the same place.