CONSECRATION OF THE OUTHOUSE

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

JANITOR

THING ONE
THING TWO

JANITOR REMOVER
JANITOR REMOVER REMOVER

EASTERN GUARDIAN
SOUTHERN GUARDIAN
WESTERN GUARDIAN
NORTHERN GUARDIAN

LIBRARIAN
DUCT TAPER

OLFACTORY PRIESTESS #1
OLFACTORY PRIESTESS #2

HIHG PRIESTESS
HIGH PRIEST

The Circle is prepared with a gate in the South-East.

The first to enter is the JANITOR. He carries the biggest plunger available.
The JANITOR walks forward to the center of the Circle and stops there.

When he is place, the JANITOR raises his plunger, and makes a counter-clockwise circle, saying:

JANITOR
“Behold, the Plunger of Art, the great Suction Cup, the Phallus of the Someone on Viagra
Behold it and drool, all who would clog or interfere with these sacred workings!
I plunge you –I cast you out!
All stuck in paper, and other icky things, impede this Sacred Outhouse I send away and forbid to return!
By this Holy Plunger and the Plumber’s Union it represents
And by my will as the focus of the combined will of the Draino Company
I bar this place to all that is really smelly or injurious to our rite!”

The JANITOR now plunges the plunger, suction cup down, into the Holy Outhouse Bowl then kneels before it, keeping his hands on the hilt, plunging madly, and begins to pray softly. The Janitor recites this prayer, repeating it as a mantra until all other participants have entered the Outhouse Area.

JANITOR
“Nobody Likes Me
Everybody Hates Me
Think I'll Eat Some Womrs.”

Now enter the THING ONE and THING TWO. The THING ONE advances to the Outhouse, salutes it and stands to the left of it. The THING TWO advances to the Outhouse, salutes it and stands to the right of it.

Next enter the JANITOR REMOVER and JANITOR REMOVER REMOVER. The JANITOR REMOVER advances to the Janitor, puts his arms around the Janitor’s waist, and begins to pull. The JANITOR REMOVER REMOVER advances to the JANITOR REMOVER, salutes him and puts his arms around the Janitor Remover’s waist and begins to pull. The JANITOR ignores them both, continuing to plunge

Third come the LIBRARIAN and DUCT TAPER. The LIBRARIAN advances to the Outhouse, salutes it and scans the crowd for unruly children (or adults). The LIBRARIAN raises a finger to her lips and loudly utters "SHHHHHHHHHHH" The DUCT TAPER advances to the Outhouse, salutes it and stands next to the LIBRARIAN.

Now enter the four QUARTER GUARDIANS, moving as a body: NORTH and WEST first, followed by EAST and SOUTH. They advance to the middle of the Circle, stopping when they form a square around the JANITOR, THE JANITOR REMOVER and the JANITOR REMOVER REMOVER who are still in position in the Outhouse. The QUARTER GUARDIANS walk once around the OUTHOUSE in a counter-clockwise circle, then moon the crowd..

Now enter the TWO OLFACTORY PRIESTESSES, carrying their ceremonial offerings of Chanel *9. They advance to the Outhouse, salute it, asperge it with the offering, then take their places at the sides of the Circle.

Now enters the PYROMANIAC and the ASSISTANT PYROMANIAC who advance to the Outhouse, salute it and take their places in the Circle.

Finally the HIGH PRIESTHOOD enter. The HIGH PRIESTHOOD advance to the Outhouse and salute it before going to their positions: HIGH PRIESTESS stands on her left foot at the left of the Outhouse, HIGH PRIEST stands on his right foot to the right of the Outhouse. If anyone is in their way, the HIGH PRIESTHOOD must throw them forcefully to the ground, staying on one foot..

1*** The THING TWO rings the Bell three times.

THING TWO
”May the Temple of the Holy Outhouse be cleansed and blessed.”

The JANITOR REMOVER and JANITOR REMOVER REMOVER now stop pulling on the Janitor, who has by now finished plunging, and the JANITOR sits cross legged before the bowl. The JANITOR REMOVER REMOVER discretely lights a charcoal and places it into the Janitor’s robe.

The JANITOR REMOVER now cleanses the Draino, making three counter-clockwise circles above it with her hand, while visualizing sparkly green light. She imagines the light forcing out all possible clogs from the Outhouse. She says something to the effect of:

JANITOR REMOVER
“Behold, I tickle you, O creature of chemical fun thus that you may, casting out from you any impurities which may lie hiding in the Holy Outhouse.”

Then the JANITOR REMOVER blesses the Draino, making three clockwise circles above it with her hand, while visualizing blue-white light. She says:

JANITOR REMOVER
“And I do Bless and Charge you to this work!”

The JANITOR REMOVER addresses the Draino, saying:

JANITOR REMOVER
“Hello Draino. How are you today!”

Taking the Draino, JANITOR REMOVER walks counter-clockwise around the Outhouse, asperging the area as she goes. As she does this she should visualize a clear and healthy flush forcing out all negative or unfocused energy. As she asperges the area, the JANITOR REMOVER may wish to say something like:

JANITOR REMOVER
“Bippity Boppity Boo…”

When the JANITOR REMOVER has finished asperging, she dumps the Draino into the Special CHALICE, trying not to trip over the Janitor, who is by now burning brightly.

Now the JANITOR REMOVER REMOVER turns to the brightly burning Janitor

JANITOR REMOVER REMOVER
“Behold! Do not try this at home. The Janitor is a trained professional.”

2 *** The THING TWO rings the Bell three times.

THING TWO
”And now, we duct tape the children.”

The LIBRARIAN now walks to the middle of the Outhouse where the plunger remains in the bowl. He withdraws the plunger and holds it up. The JANITOR rolls forward and speaks:

JANITOR
“This didn’t hurt so much in rehearsal!”

The JANITOR now falls over.

The LIBRARIAN now turns in a circle with the plunger, pointing out various individuals

LIBRARIAN
“I do point out the annoying ones, who shall now be duct taped!”

The DUCT TAPER then mummifies each annoying person with duct tape

3 *** The THING TWO rings the Bell three times.

THING TWO
“May the THING TWO be set on fire......WHAT?????.”

The PYROMANIAC steps forward and sets THING TWO on fire. The crowd cheers.

4 *** The THING ONE says (because the Bell and Thing Two are by now quite busy)

THING ONE
“May the Seventy Plumbers of Old be invoked.”

HIGH PRIESTESS
“Behold I invoke You, O Ancient Plumbers!
I invoke You, with love and with a valid credit card.
O Glorious and Beautiful Ones!
Your Union has authorized your presence on a weekend!
Come forth! Help us to cleanse the Holy Outhouse!”

HIGH PRIEST
“We call upon You, O Countless Plumbers!
We would have given you a ride, but I refused to stop for directions,
So sorry!”

5 *** The THING ONE says...

THING ONE
”Behold, may the Great FLUSH be enacted.”

The HIGH PRIESTESS picks up the Chalice of Draino and holds it aloft. The rather singed JANITOR now steps forward and speaks:

JANITOR
“Behold! The Sacred Power of the Draino!
We Really Hope This Works!

The JANITOR now steps back forward to the handle of the Holy Outhouse Bowl, dumps in the contents of the CHALICE, and slowly puts his hand on the handle..

“O Great Outhouse! You Who are known by many names in the hearts of humankind: Johnny, Loo, Bog, Wee Wee Pot, Port A Potty, Crapper, Shitter, Library, Throne,
These and many other names, both known and unknown!

“Whenever we have need of you
Then we shall assemble one at a time
In an orderly line
And adore You"

The JANITOR then creates the Great Flush

6 *** The THING ONE stomps his feet.

THING ONE
“May the Roll of Charmin be blessed.”

Crowd: WE BLESS YOU

7 *** The THING ONE stomps his feet.

THING ONE
“May the OUTHOUSE BE OPENED.”

The Crowd then lines up in an orderly fashion to partake of the Holy Outhouse.